Learning from Loss–Rebranding Charlie Says-

One time my daughter told me I was good at starting projects, but not so great at finishing them. She was like ten or eleven when she said that and I thought a lot about if it was true.

I do have a lot of ideas. A crazy amount of ideas. Some of them have legs that get them up and running, but sometimes the ideas just stay drafts in my brain.

This blog is an example of one of my ideas. I wanted to write a blog to process some of my grief in losing my parents and my cancer journey.

Over the years, I have written about other things–art, teaching, my experience with my son’s mental health journey, and my travels–both literal and metaphorical. I haven’t been consistent with posting, and I probably have as many drafts as posts. But I would say the blog is an idea that had follow through, but has also became bigger than I imagined.

A long time ago, a friend and I were having a drink and she asked me if I could start over again and redo my career what would I do. Without hesitation, I said I would be a cartoonist and have a comic strip. It is true, I have wanted my own comic strip since I was a child. I just didn’t have the confidence or the road map to make that dream come alive.

I have written and illustrated comic stories before. Just for fun to share with my friends and family or my students, but it’s an idea that really just stayed in the recesses of my mind.

In 2020, when I started making my observations about the pandemic from the viewpoint of my cat on social media, it felt a bit like a comic strip. Then Charlie ran for President and I was having the time of my life with the content. Everyone knew and loved Charlie.

I started “Charlie Says” with the idea of a strip, but I couldn’t keep up. My life got incredibly complex and Charlie was diagnosed with lymphoma. I just couldn’t anymore. So even though the page exists, I haven’t touched it in years.

It’s coming up on ten months, since Pam–my sister, my best friend, my confidante, my memory bank, left this earth. It’s been nine months since I left teaching. I am finding my way, but at the same time I have felt very adrift trying to figure out who I am now. Losing Pam has been a challenge that I have not wanted to face. I keep thinking I don’t know how to do my life without her.

A few weeks ago when Dolly Parton died, I like many people in the world, reflected on all the memories Dolly left me with. One of them was watching Rhinestone with Pam at the cinema when we were teenagers. We went twice because we laughed so much. I bought the soundtrack to that movie on cassette tape and Pam and I listened to it on her boom box. She painted her nails and I sketched a cityscape and we sang along with Dolly. Nothing really monumental happened. It was just one of hundreds of moments when we were side by side, doing our thing, enjoying music, the sunshine, life, and each other.

As I watched all the reels and clips and tributes to Dolly Parton, I realized that she left such a huge mark, that she will always live on. I realized that’s what Pam was like too, only her circle was much, much smaller. But she changed my life, made it better, and left me with over fifty years of memories. I will always love her. She would not want me to be so sad. She would have told me to enjoy this time. To sit on the porch. To travel. To paint. To make that damn comic strip.

It’s time. I need to trust that little flame inside me and see if I can grow it. I have been circling the idea of a comic or a cartoon since I was eight years old.

When I did the few drawings of Stormi earlier in the summer, I could feel Pam actually laughing. But it also didn’t feel completely right. Those were my son’s jokes and he didn’t like being in a comic. It needs to be my own.

I was playing with Adobe illustrator and I started creating characters and I had an IDEA. “Charlie Says” is already up. It still can be my comic. I have some followers. I can rebrand the page and make it whatever I want it to be. Maybe drawing everyday is too ambitious. Maybe just starting and having fun is the goal. Maybe the idea won’t have legs, but maybe it will.

I opened up Charlie Says today and I posted a reel of pictures to say goodbye to my cat. I never would have thought such a raggedy stray would have such an impact on my life. I am grateful for the time I had with him. The comic won’t be bringing him back. But I am thinking of using the same dry, slightly sardonic humor, that made him a hit. But I think my character will be human this time. A woman–sensitive, funny wise and irreverent. She will have friends and family, hobbies and habits, demons and dreams. Maybe she will reach around the world or maybe be lost in the dark dregs of the interweb. I just want to try.

I am going to call her Charlie and I am pretty sure she will have a lot to say.