Mid-life Crisis

My friends know that my mid life crisis has been happening for a while. I feel like if Oprah was still on TV, she would have covered this and I would know what to do. So maybe this is Oprah’s fault? I do know a convertible or a trophy wife ain’t gonna cut it, so I am on my own to figure it out.

I know that some women go through this when their kids leave home, but that’s not super true for me because I still have my son at home and that might not ever change. Living with a sporadically medicated schizophrenic man/child presents its own challenges and I do want to run away sometimes. Like I could go to the store and get milk and never come home. Except I don’t drink milk and it’s my damn house, so that’s not really a great solution. And I love him. He’s my son. But often I lie in my bed staring at the ceiling listening to him scream in the shower or argue with himself and wonder if that’s what I am going to be still doing twenty years from now. There has to be something better for him, and me, but how do I get him to see that or believe it? How do I get myself to believe that?

Then there is the whole career thing. I never LOVED teaching. I love things about it, but I am definitely not a teacher who is also an artist. I am artist who is also a teacher. Teaching drains me. I am not a natural extrovert, but I have trained myself to be outgoing and friendly. Kids are broken in ways that are so wrong. They need far more than I can give them in forty five minutes. I can pretend that teaching them about color, or shape, or Van Gogh will make a damn bit of difference in their lives. And maybe it does or will, but most days it doesn’t feel adequate or even remotely right. I have considered changing my position. I could go back into the classroom and teach reading and writing again. But the way we do it now days seems even more stifling and wrong. I could cash in my twenty some years and walk away, but then what? I still need to work. It all adds to my angst.

A couple of weeks ago, I told some people that when I retire that I want to move to Coney Island and work in a t-shirt shop. They laughed. The thing is though, I wasn’t really kidding. The weather in Coney Island isn’t great though; I follow it daily. It’s a lot colder than I expected, but if my hot flashes continue, cold weather will be fine with me. That brings up my health which is also not what I expected. Cancer has changed me. Yeah, I am a survivor, but it has given me a constant whisper of fear—-is it coming back? When? How? And I never have gotten over the fatigue. Or is that depression? Or my mid-life crisis?

I am not saying my life is bad. I know I have a thousand and one things to be grateful for and I am. But I have reached this point where everyday I am saying—is this it? What else? What next? What is happening? Maybe if I had list—10 things to try during a mid life crisis? Or a Mid-life crises self help group—Hi. I am Michelle. I can’t stop thinking that I have wasted the last twenty-five years of my life. Maybe it’s a nutrition thing—is there a keto plan for mid life crisis? Do I join a gym? Learn to knit? Try yoga? Try yoga with goats? I really don’t know. So I guess I am doing what I have done every day of my life. I wake up and do things. I am sure the answers will come. In the meantime, if anyone has a convertible for sale…..