August 2–Oncology Report

On August 2, my radiation oncologist said that if I promised to go to my yearly mammograms and kept following up with my medical oncologist, he would fade into the shadows unless I needed him.  It made me think of Batman, but I didn’t tell him that, instead I promised I would keep up with my care.  Believe it or not, I have learned a few things on this journey.

1.  First off, some doctors actually DO know what they are doing and can be trusted.
2. Cancer is not created equal.  Some kinds are worse than others.  I was fortunate enough to get the kind with a high cure rate.
3. Despite my fortune, cancer still has jacked with me.  Any little thing can cause paralyzing fear–a headache, a cough, an upset stomach.  It is back?  How do I know? How can I be sure I am okay?
4. Cancer has brought me in touch with a certain amount of rage that I didn’t know I was capable of.  Everyone knows the words to respond to a cancer warrior.  There are catchy slogans and T-shirts and greeting cards.  Friends and family bring dinners, and give gifts, send cards and ask about my health.  But I promise this is nothing like what schizophrenia has brought to my life.  Cancer is nothing compared to that.  Nothing.  Don’t tell me you don’t know what to say or what to do for me.  You did when I had cancer.
5. I care about my breasts more than I knew.  It was hard for me to imagine them cut.  And the glimpse of the bruising and scars was one of the hardest moments I’ve ever faced.  I wondered if I’d ever be able to take my shirt off again.
6. That being said, plastic surgery has gone way up on my list of appreciative items in life.  And I totally understand dropping a few G’s at Victoria’s Secret now.
7. Radiation is deceptive.  First off, you take off your shirt, lie on a flat surface with your arms over your head.  My feet got tied up and I was instructed to lie perfectly still.  Usually I closed my eyes while the machine passed over me.  It’s painless and over in about a minute.  I’ve heard that sex is like that for some women;). But the thing about radiation, is that it’s cumulative.  It builds up in your body and causes burns and bone crushing fatigue. In my case, it has damaged some of my muscles forever.  But that’s a small price to pay for my life.
8. My dad was strong.  He was in two wars and never, ever complained about pain.  I feel him inside me every day, telling me, “Come on, chica.  Get up.  You face the day.  It’s a good morning.  Don’t miss it. Bueno.”  I am glad he wasn’t hear to see my pain.  I am glad he left me his strength.
9. My friends call me Wonder Woman.  They gave me tons of Wonder Woman Swag–cups, shirts, socks, belts, wallets, pens.  I love it all, because she is a bad ass.  But I don’t think of myself like that at all.  She’s trying to save the world.  I’m just trying to find a little peace.
10. There was a never really a lot of doubt that I wouldn’t be okay.  I have the best friends.  The best family.  The best man.  And a pretty great cat.  They saw me through.  Every step of the way.

So, yeah, I’ll go to my appointments and do the damn mammograms, if that’s what I have to do.  Life is short and I want to live and love every minute.