Hot

I was going to write about Mother’s Day yesterday, but it was so damn depressing that I couldn’t bring myself to post about it.  Not that this blog will be much better; it’s probably going to alienate all my readers.  It’s three am and I’m wide awake.  Why?  Because I am so hot.  I swear the minute my ovaries were taken out, the hot flashes started.

Maybe it shouldn’t be so surprising.  When I was nursing my kids, I had hot flashes.  I remember one time when I was teaching, for what ever unknown strange twist of fate, my milk let down in my classroom full of eighth grade boys.  And I was also instantly on fire and not just from embarrassment.  This kid named Stuart, who was possibly the most unaware boy on the planet for the most part, noticed immediately and said, “OMG, what’s happening, Ms.  T.  Are you dying?”  I think I said something like, “Keep reading.  I’m fine, ” as sweat and milk were pouring from my body.

So anyway, tonight I got out of bed to get myself a popsicle and the box was empty.  The dark chocolate raspberry ice cream was also empty.  Seriously?  It took all my will power not to wake the kids up and go all Joan Crawford on them.  Instead, I drank some water and stood in the doorway for a few minutes, completely waking myself up and confusing Blue and Charlie.  Blue is pacing around, his nails clicking on the bare floorboards.  Charlie is chasing around something only he can see.  It just went behind the bookshelf and now he is crying.  So there will be no more sleeping.

There are a bunch of things that people recommend for hot flashes.  Peppermint oil is the first thing I tried.  I bought a microscopic bottle for a small fortune and tried drops on all the places I heard you put them–neck, forehead, belly button.  Once I got it in my eye; that was very helpful.  I didn’t notice a big difference.  And I hate peppermint.  It reminds me of the time when my son was a baby and he ate a whole box of Girl Scout cookies when I was in the shower.  Thin mint diapers changed my entire outlook on that particular delicacy.  I have also tried black cohash tea, sage, red clover, and flaxseed oil.  I read one article about colon and liver cleanses helping to reduce hot flashes.  I know that I’ve promised not to write about my colon inflammation, but trust me colon cleanses haven’t helped me at all.  There are things I haven’t tried yet; I’m working my way through the list.  Maybe the magic is still to come.

The one thing that does help is exercise.  Ice skating is wonderful.  The rink is cool  and I’d give anything to be allowed to sleep on the ice.  Biking is great because the air moving over my skin feels amazing.  Even running is okay, probably because it is so torturous that I can’t think of anything else.  So maybe what I need to do is workout when I wake up in the middle of the night.  Hell, I’m already sweating anyway.  Tonight, I’m writing my blog, but one night I might open up my own gym for women who can’t sleep because of internal heat.  I’ll call it Crossfire.  I’m already working on the t-shirts.

I’m sure like everything else this will pass, but this might be a long, hot summer…..