Retirement

I keep getting asked if I love retirement and why I am not blogging about my new life. The truth is that I am feeling a bit adrift. I know leaving the classroom was the right decision for me, but I didn’t leave because I was done working. I left because I was done teaching. I have literally worked since I was eleven years old (a paper route) and I am not sure exactly what comes next and it’s a little disconcerting. I am not regretful of my choice, just feeling a bit stalled or stuck at the crossroads.

It’s not like I don’t have things to do. I am supposed to be painting a mural on the river levee. I’d like to redo the mural at the church on 7th and Macon; it is looking shabby next to the new St. Cloud hotel rebuild. I have writing ideas and home projects to do. But what I have been doing is hanging out in nursing homes visiting old lady friends and witnessing what it is like to grow old and watch your autonomy and independence ebb away. I have been watching these women who were pillars of strength all my life be trapped in bodies that are breaking down. I see their rage and confusion. I show up with a bag of grapes or a handful of strawberries. I try to honor who they are at their core, but it’s depressing as hell. And then I think–is this my future–lonely days in front of games shows? I keep showing up because I hope that someone will be there for me, if that does happen. But then I come home, destroyed, and spend sleepless nights worried about the future.

I am not trying to hide from this depression or put a positive spin on it. I just ended a job I did for thirty years and it’s okay to have all the feelings about it. Aging is a reality and there all kinds of examples of how difficult and painful it can be. While I do feel that’s far in the future for me, it’s in my face right now and I am sad for my friends. And maybe a little for myself, because navigating this new path, is a bit like setting sail on a vast ocean with a life raft and a box of saltines. I am hoping it’s temporary and the right island is right over the horizon. I guess it’s my time to be still and discover what my heart sounds like and to follow the rhythm.