College

Since Christmas, I have been co-teaching a program called AVID with my colleagues. AVID stands for achievement via individualized determination. The program focuses on teaching kids that success comes through determination. There are organizational components, team building, and career and college exploration. It’s really made me reflect on how little I knew about ALL those tbings when I was a kid. It’s made me ask the questions: what would have better prepared me and is what I am doing helping these kids get what they need?

To be honest, I don’t even know if I had much ambition when I was a sixth grader, I think I planned on marrying a cowboy and having some kids and horses. I remember my senior year in high school honestly feeling like I wasn’t ready for college. It wasn’t afraid to leave home, it was more that I didn’t have a clear cut idea of what I wanted to do for a living. I thought maybe I would like to go to a New York and set paint, but I wasn’t sure of the path to that goal.

I might have been academically ready for college, but in every other way, I was not, especially financially. I got a job my third day on campus. In fact, I often worked two or three jobs during my years in Boulder. My lasting friendships from college were with workmates, not classmates, or roommates.. It seemed like I fit my classes around my work schedule, instead of the other way around. And I had a hard time understanding how my coursework was going to translate into a career. Sure Moby Dick was interesting to read, but was it really going to help me pay my rent? I meandered through college without a real definitive career goal. Even after college, a degree in hand, I felt like I was floating untethered through adulthood, sort of like a balloon, losing helium and buffeting about in the breeze.

When I was in my early thirties, I visited the University of Wisconsin on a one day trip to Madison. The campus is set on the shores of Lake Michigan and the summer is beautiful. Sailboats dot the horizon and kids skateboard in the perfect temperature and toss frisbees back and forth on the green lawns. I realized that at that moment that I was ready for college., except at that point I had two kids and a mortgage. I was figuring out what to be when I was grown up , but I was already grown up.

When my daughter was looking at colleges, we visited some that she had interest in. I wanted to make sure she had set foot on a variety of campuses and could imagine herself on one of them. One of the campuses we went to was Sarah Lawerence just north of New York City. I will never forget getting out of the cab and stepping into a small oasis of brick and ivy with Manhattan in the distance. I felt like I was at the campus of my dreams. When I heard about the writing institute , I once again felt the pang for going back to college as an adult because I was ready to appreciate the experience.

A couple of years ago, I took a novel writing workshop through SL as a treat to myself. My writing was chosen to be featured in a lesson on breaking with traditional forms. It was flattering and scary, but affirming all at the same time. I played around with getting a certificate or degree from the program, but I don’t have room in my life for college debt. I want windows in my house, and a new garage. Plus is writing in a classroom going to make me a better writer?

Teaching AVID and being back in the language arts classroom really has made me realize how much I have put my passions on simmer, so I could do the things I thought I had to do. I have been fortunate enough to keep my creativity stirred, but never really let it fully take over my world.

I applied for a scholarship to the Sarah Lawerence Writing Institute for a virtual writing class. I found out yesterday, that I got the scholarship. I am overjoyed for this opportunity. I feel like it’s not a chance for a do over, but a chance to bring everything I have learned and make the most of what is offered to me. This time I am ready.