Magic of the Season

I took one of those silly tests on social media: Everyone has a perfect Christmas tree. What’s yours? I laughed when this popped up. A Christmas tree made with piled up laundry. Perfect. I am not particularly “grinchy” or ” bah-humbug,” but I had a hard time feeling the spirit of the season. And I wondered if putting up a tree really mattered?

Last year when I was teaching in Pueblo, the students had something called Segunda. It was a like a HUGE yard sale set up in the gym where students could shop for their families. One of my students who bullied and tormented everyone for sport surprised me with a necklace. It was a horseshoe charm with a rose and a four leaf clover. It really touched me because I know she put some thought into choosing it for me. I hung it on my rearview mirror along with a tin flower I bought from a homeless girl.

I totaled my car last May and I was so shaken that I didn’t get the necklace or flower out of the car afterwards. When I realized that they got left behind, I called the salvage yard and someone rescued them for me. The necklace and flower are hanging over the rearview mirror in my replacement car. Every time, I get in the car, I think of those two girls–the homeless girl, using her creativity to turn trash into treasure and Surenaty, so angry and broken, yet a glimmer of soft and sweet still in her core.

But what do they have to do with Christmas? Nothing, except Christmas always makes me think about all that I have and all the people who have nothing. It makes me feel indulgent and spoiled, but at the same time bereft and a tiny bit orphaned. I vacillate between wanting to decorate the house and skipping Christmas all together. I went down a wormhole of looking for cheap flights to take myself anyplace, but here for the holidays.

To add to the frantic, but ambivalent emotions about the holiday is the stress of being in a classroom at this time of year. Kids fall apart. Yes, they are excited and ready for a break, but at the same time a change in routine is coming and many students are facing two weeks at home in chaotic situations. Who knows what will happen? Kids who normally are well-behaved all of a sudden are losing control. I really understand. So this year more than ever, there is not letting up on routine. My job is to keep things on an even keel and forge ahead. But it’s been exhausting and I have gotten home and fallen asleep, putting off getting the house ready for Christmas. No lights. No tree. No presents.

I can home from work on Monday and the Christmas tree had been set up. The decorations were half on and the star on top was really crooked, but the point is my son wanted to make me happy. I am grateful that he knows it is Christmas. There have been times in the past years when I was unsure that things like seasons and holidays registered with him. I finished putting ornaments on the tree and straightened the star. School will be over today and my daughter will be home in a few days and I am finally feeling a bit of the holiday magic creeping into my soul.

I guess when it comes right down to it, Christmas to me isn’t about the tree and lights and finding the perfect gift, but like anyone, I can get caught up in the sparkle. I actually wonder what it would be like to create a tree of laundry and gather around it with my family. I am sure we would still laugh and make memories, because the magic of Christmas for me is really about love, and I have that in abundance.