3 am

It’s not that I can’t sleep; it’s more that my hours of sleep are distorted. And my dreams have been full of strong emotions. I just woke up from a dream about one of my cousins. I was on a road trip with my mom and dad. We were in New Mexico during the summer and it was hot and dry. We stopped really early in small town, time had forgotten, at an artsy, gifty store that my cousin owns. Although in real life, my cousin lives in Colorado and doesn’t own a business. In the dream, the neon OPEN sign was on, and the door was unlocked, but no one was in the store. I called for my cousin and started moving though the hodge-podge mix of rooms toward the back of building. Mom and Dad drifted through the merchandise which was mostly melted glass, photographs, fun games and novelty things, old books and artsy clothes. And an assortment of doughnuts. Lots. I found my cousin in the back; she was on the telephone, one of those old, black ones with the cord. She was pale and her dark hair pulled back on her head. Her eyes were wide and for a second she didn’t recognize me, then she reached her hand to me, gripping me tightly. My mom joined us and my cousin took her in her arms for an embrace. I said, “You can see my parents, too?” And she replied. “Yes, they are always with you.” I woke up with an intense sense of unease and restlessness, even though there was nothing super ominous about the dream. Both cats were on the bed. Lucy climbed up on my chest. Charlie sat up, his hair going in all directions and kinda glared at me, then settled back down again.

I considered getting up, showering, and going to work. But it’s three o’clock in the morning. It always makes me laugh when people criticize teachers for having summers off. I often spend twelve hour days and I still have more to do. I honestly think technology has added more to the workload. To have meaningful instruction on-line takes a lot of prep, and lately, we have been experiencing a lot of network problems, which means the old way back-ups need to be there too. Double prep.

I thought about using this dark awake time to put up the Christmas tree. I’m not really in the spirit this year. I’ve been thinking about going away for part of vacation. I just don’t have a destination in mind. Then I started thinking about animation. I am taking a class right now and I haven’t finished the animation project. I’m having some difficulties with the software. I can’t quite get my images to do what I want them to do, and I am resisting drawing frame by frame by hand because the computer is supposed to help me with that! I always thought I’d want to animate, so the fact that I’m having a hard time with the process has been hard for me to accept. But maybe because I want it to look a certain way is sort of my problem?

The assignment was to illustrate a nursery rhyme. When my son was a toddler, I bought him a WeeSing Nursery Rhyme cassette tape and story book to listen to in the car. It had sixty nursery rhymes on it and it had a running story that tied them together. We listened to that cassette for months. I have a distinct memory of taking a walk on the riverwalk carrying him on my back with him singing Sing a Song of Sixpence at the top of his voice the entire two mile walk. Every time he came to the blackbird pecking off the nose, he’d reach around and touch my nose. So I wanted to do a version of Sing a Song of Sixpence, but make my character a grunge guitar player, rocking out to the nonsensical lyrics. I can get the character to move, but I can’t get it to stop and start where I want and the sequences get all messed up. Then I start over and eventually get frustrated and wonder why I am taking this class in the first place. I already have a job. Why do I need to learn new things? Does getting a good grade matter? Yet, I am determined to get it right.

I think my time as a teacher is coming to an end. I can see the finish line, I’m just not sure the pacing of the last leg of the race. I’ve definitely got a second wind right now. I love everything about where I am working, who I am working with, and what I am doing. It’s not like everything is perfect, every moment, but it’s really pretty good. I want to show up everyday and do my best because it’s amazing being part of such an amazing team, but I know there are other things I want to do.

I keep thinking about the travels I have done this year. Alaska. Nebraska. Detroit. I want more of that. Starfish under rocks. Wide, green fields. Gritty cites with bright graffiti and neon lights. So I think the dream is about how I feel about my life right now….the store with all the stuff is all my combined memories. It’s a good place with lots of color and fun and a place I can be comfortable walking through. But it’s also cluttered with a lot of things that distract me and keep me from focusing on moving forward. My cousin is my anchor–my family, my foundation, my affirmation. My parents are my travel companions, no matter what the journey. The dream was a resting place, but not a stopping point. I woke up uneasy because I have been busy searching for a roadmap, but deep down the roadmap is my heart.

Right now the road has lead me to a perfect spot and part of me wants it to never change, but I know that’s not how the world works. So I am going to get up and enjoy the day and try not to worry about the little things on the journey. I will figure out the animation and Christmas tree. There is magic in the early morning when the sun starts to light the sky and I don’t want to miss any of it.