Pagosa Springs

When my parents first were killed, I’d reach for my phone to tell them something and realize that I couldn’t dial that number ever again. I don’t do that anymore, but there are times when I would give anything to talk to them, especially my mom. Sometimes she made me straight up crazy, but I realize how much I valued her as a person and how much she taught me. My last words to her were “I love you.” I am grateful for that each day.

One of my cousins suggested a girl weekend at a hot springs, picking Pagosa as a location. I invited my daughter, hoping she’d want to come. Even though, she is only in Albuquerque, I don’t see her as often as I would like. She always says she is busy, but I think there is more to it than that. But for once, she agreed.

I think about all the trauma that I have been through in the last years, and I know my daughter has been through the same, plus all the trauma of the pandemic. Most of those events happened during her teen years when she was supposed to be young and carefree. Dealing with all those things has given her anxiety and a need for security and a lot of emotions to process. She has some anger and some of it is directed to me and to her brother. She has accused me of choosing him first. It’s hard for me to refute her point. Dealing with his schizophrenia and keeping him safe and finding help for him has been an all consuming task. I can see how Darian feels left out, but at the same time I don’t know how I would have done it differently. She also thinks that Shayne is just a bad person and that he doesn’t deserve what I give him. But, he is my son and I love him and abandoning him isn’t a choice. Asking me to choose isn’t fair.

Currently, my daughter avoids her brother at all costs. I can only spend time with her if he isn’t around. I don’t love this arrangement, but I also want to share my daughter’s life too. I thought the Pagosa Springs trip would be one way to promote some healing in our relationship. My cousins weren’t going to arrive until Saturday, so I thought I would have some quality alone time with my daughter Friday evening. But of course she had other plans. I don’t know when I will ever learn that my plans aren’t her plans. She met me for dinner and blazed away when the sun came up.

So Saturday morning I found myself alone in Pagosa Springs. For about ten minutes, I was pissy and considered going home. But I decided to drive out to a Chimney Rock and check it out. I have driven through the southwest corner of Colorado a dozen times or more, but I have never been to Chimney Rock National Monument. The first thing I noticed was people looking through boxes up at the sky. And I remembered the eclipse.

I learned that Chimney Rock may have been built by ancestors of the Pueblo people for sky watching. The area was full of people with cameras pointed at the sky. I purchased the eclipse glasses and joined the party.

Then I made the trek to the top of the mountain to see the kiva ruins. The view was spectacular.

I took it all in and just enjoyed what the day had to offer. I met a couple from Lynchburg, Virginia on a year long tour of America. I met a tarantula on a mad dash away from me. The temperature was perfect and the golden leaves magical. I met my cousins and we had a great evening in a place that over looked a lake with some soaking in the springs and a scrumptious dinner. I love the women in my family. They inspire me with their strength. I wish Darian had stayed, but she has to make her own path.

I am taking the road home slowly, even though I have responsibilities weighing on me. I walked up to Treasure Falls and marveled at the scenery, just in case I never come this way again.

I can give my daughter all the grace in the world. I just hope we both live long enough for her to look through her pain and see the love that I have just for her.