Nightmares

I have always had super vivid dreams. My two favorite dreams were both about jobs. One was about being a pro skateboarder. I could jump, and soar, and ride rails and I woke up feeling happy and free. The other dream was about being a glass blower. I wore long gypsy skirts and blew glass at Renaissance Fairs across the country. I actually have that listed as my number one retirement option. I am learning to blow glass. Besides a wonderful bank of good dreams, I have also had nightmares so horrible that I wake up screaming and shaking and afraid to close my eyes again. This nightmare thing has been especially bad of late.

I have been dreaming about seeing my dad after he died. His body wrapped up in blankets is something that haunts me. With my sister in law in ICU , machines hooked up to her and ice blankets to keep her temperature down, my hospital themed nightmares have returned full fledged. Plus one of my students witnessed a brutal shooting before Christmas. Since his return to school, I can see the trauma in him, subtle changes. Maybe I wouldn’t notice if I didn’t know him before, but the tight reigns of holding it together are evident. At night this little boy appears in my dreams mangled, murdered, in pain,out of my reach.

Sleeping sucks.

Anyway, I dreaded going to see my sister~in~ law yesterday. I wasn’t sure I could face another trauma. Except my brother called me three times. And he hasn’t called me three times in three years. And he didn’t ask, but I also knew he shouldn’t be doing this alone. He is my family. and I show up for family. No matter what.

My sister~in ~law is in the neuro ICU. She had a brain bleed two days after her last dose of chemo. She has no white blood cells and her platelet count is very low. She developed an infection and her body is fighting a fever without her natural defenses. She is intubated and sedated. At first, I thought I was going up to say goodbye, but now the doctor is saying if she can be kept comfortable until the platelets start regrowing, she might have a chance. Of course that’s not weighing in possible damage from the brain bleed or any other things that might happen along the way. Lots of variables at play. But she is a fighter, so I want to put my money on her to come out of this. Please send her all your good energy, love, light, prayers, juju, whatever. She is going to need it ALL to get through this battle.

Meanwhile, I am trying my best to have more peace and laughter in my day, so I can have more peaceful nights. Today, I am going to the glass studio. One step closer to my Renaissance life. That’s a dream to believe in.