What is happening?

1. I finally shared on my blog about my move.

2. The very same day the contract fell through on my house.

3. I am not upset…what’s the point?

4. Except 90 percent of my stuff is in a 16×20 box.

5. There are people waiting for me to move into their house.

6. I start a new job in six days.

7. I have options.

8. I settle on one idea.

9. An hour later something else seems better.

10. If there is a lesson here, I am sure not getting it yet.

Yesterday, I saw Shayne walk by the kitchen window and go into the backyard. I went out to the back and found him standing there looking at his black Pumas. He was wearing a red football jersey and basketball shorts, one black sock and one of my red Snoopy socks. He didn’t look up when I come outside.

Sometimes I think he has amnesia instead of schizophrenia. I don’t even know what to say to him. On one hand I am so mad at some of the choices he has made, but

when he looks at me I can see it all–his pain, his hunger, his exhaustion. But I that doesn’t break me anymore. So I say, “Where’s your stuff?” He tells me he has it stashed and then he picks up his bag and says, “You can look, I don’t have any drugs.” We both know I am not going to look. It means nothing. Maybe they aren’t in the bag, but they are somewhere stashed with his falling apart sleeping bag and one gray sweatshirt. I relented and let him eat the food I bought for my friends who helped me move. I wondered for a moment if I move all my stuff back to the house. Do I leave it there? Shayne asked me if I want him to mow the lawn. It’s this dance we do. He totally betrays my trust. I feed him and he does chores. He thinks it is fixed; I know it isn’t.

So what now? Honestly, I have no idea. I guess this is one of those times when the universe hasn’t shown all the cards yet. I know better than to wish for a little luck. Mom would tell me to say a little prayer. Dad would probably think weeding the flower bed would be helpful. Guess I can do both those things and finish painting a sign for a little old man I met in Florence. I am sure it will all work out.